Official Candidate Medical Review

As the official examiner for the 2007 Moss or Chewy Campaign, I, Dr. Lon, have completed my formal examinations of the two candidates.

Given the daunting task of providing medical clearance for these two well-admired men, I was at first scared. I then realized that my contribution to this campaign was of utmost importance because the winner will have much responsibility and will need the physical stamina to perform their duties (no Mehlman, not doodies!).

Because of recent governmental concerns about privacy, and Florida HIPPA laws, I will only provide my objective evidence and will not release who the exam belongs to. I will leave it to you, the voters to decide.

With my extensive medical training, I know I am the right man for the job, however, little did I know that sleeping during my pediatrics lectures and my lack of attention to genetic abnormalities would make this very difficult. I present to you copies of my actual charts for your consideration during the voting process.

	Candidate #1	Candidate #2
General	Could not get patient away from mirror	Appears older then stated age
Sex	Yes,”do you have any lotion?”	“yeah, yeah, yeah”
Weight	Refused	155 lbs, 255 lbs when hair wet
Ears, Eyes, Throat	Eyes- Beady Ears- Inappropriately small for large head Throat- Did not participate in exam, when asked pt to open mouth asked “why? do you want to put something in it?”	Eyes- Pin point pupils, Ears- Liked being scratched behind ears Throat- Could not appreciate oropharynx- would not stop talking
Neck	Short and thick	Long and skinny
Cardiac	Heartbeat not audible through excess skin from weight shed in youth.	Heartbeat not audible through excessive hair growth in chest region.
Pulmonary	Strange barking noises emanating from lower lungs	Full of Aspirated Red Bull
Gastro-intestinal	Clearly works out, Flat stomach (nice panties!) Requested several rectal exams- multiple fingers required	Soft, Non-Tender, Bowel sounds hyperactive, Deep umbilicus Requested several rectal exams- multiple fingers required
Extremities	Evidence of multiple sports related injuries- likely secondary to poor conditioning	Malodorous
Genital	Needed pediatric exam- Evidence of pre-puberty development	Needed scissors- unable to find
Skin
Neurologic	Sloth like	Unable to examine -- Kept yelling, “Red bull gives me wings, yeah yeah.”
Mental Status	Intact, Alert, Oriented to place, person, and time. Normal IQ High self esteem	Confused, God complex, Evidence of severe ADHD IQ Level- 5th grade
X Ray

In closing, I fully endorse both candidates. I found them to be complete medical oddities but fully fit to perform whatever duties (no Mehlman, not doodies!) they may be required to perform.

While they are fit to serve, each will require an unlimited supply of Viagra, Ritalin, Nair, Gas X, Prozac, No- Doze, and hemorrhoid cream.

I truly appreciate this opportunity and welcome the challenge of examining next year’s candidates.

Officially attested to on this 22nd day of May, 2007 by Dr. Lon (Nephrologist to the Stars)