The Abortion Issue: A Private Investigation

It seems that we have finally found one thing both candidates have in common. Moss and Chewy have both been extremely effective at avoiding taking a stand on abortion. Some commentators believe that they have been politically irresponsible by completely ‘skirting’ this issue.


To be better informed voters, we hired private investigator Sam Rodriguez, an experienced and tenacious reporter whose recent exposes include ‘Trans-Fats In Our Foods’ and ‘The Hidden Life of Jeffrey Lefkowitz.’

To find out how each candidate truly feels about abortion, Rodriguez decided to question former girlfriends of Moss and Chewy. How did the investigation go? Unfortunately, not very well.

“I was given a list of ex-girlfriends for both Moskowitz and Cohen, including a girl named Allison who apparently dated them both” described Rodriguez of his search, “On every single name my search came up empty. I can tell you with 100% certainty that every one of these girls either A) changed her identity or B)never actually existed.”

We were disappointed by the results of this search and pressed Rodriguez to give us any bit of information which he uncovered: “I didn’t learn much but I can tell you this," stated Rodriguez " The parents of both candidates are strongly for abortion.”