When asked how much athletic ability would factor into voting decision, former high school basketball star and 1993 Mr. Western High, Danny Comer said, “Frankly Moss throws like a girl, and Chewy is so annoying on the football field, I just want to punch him.” While Danny’s comments weren’t helpful to the voters, they sure illustrate the importance of athletic ability.
So where to Moss and Chewy stack up?
Moss’ athletic career didn’t get off to a good start. Truth be told, it never really started. In fact, it just went in reverse. Often the last to be picked in whatever sport he played, Moss simply wasn’t ever able to show off talents because he didn’t have any. He was too portly for basketball as a kid, too big to run the base s as he got older, and not coordinated enough to make it on any teams. He always dreamed of being a Red Sox catcher, but that dream ended when Donnie Grossman beat him up in 1st grade. But if you ask Moss, he’ll still tell you he can play quarterback for the New Orleans Saints. Sadly, Moss’ retired from his pathetic athletic attempts before he turned 30 when two bad ankles, and back surgery sidelined even his futile attempts at touchdown immortality.
On the other hand, Chewy was lean and mean, even as a hairy monkey in elementary school. His teammates, Big Joe Young and Stumpy Sadowski weren’t much help, but Chewy was the go-to guy. Unfortunately, Chewy was kicked off his high school football team despite being the fastest guy on the team. It wasn’t his physical talent that cost him. For some reason, Chewy found it difficult to run the right pattern … ever. The coach said go long, and Chewy would forget where to run, park himself on the 20-yard line and eat a tuna sandwich. When the coach said to run five yards and turn around, Chewy would often forget where to go and start yelling at himself in a show of uncontrollable rage. But still, Chewy’s talent was undeniable. His turkey bowl feats were commendable, as he was the fastest ape on the field for many years.
“Yeah, athletic talent is key,” offered Danny, “these guys are very different on the field, so it will be a hard call. If the vote ends in a tie, maybe we can watch them fight out a split decision.”
Good suggestion, Danny. We’re thinking midget tossing as a tie-breaker.
