Anonymous Source Declares "Chewy Eats Cats!"

A new source who refuses to identify himself is making shocking allegations to reporters concerning candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen. The man, who claims to live in the same building as Cohen, says that local cats have been disappearing ever since Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen’s arrival two years ago. The man says that it’s “common knowledge of people around the neighborhood” that Cohen has been catching these cats and eating them. The source even goes so far as to say that he himself has witnessed Cohen "cough up a hair-ball".

Chewy's loaf of bread, or a photoshop trick? The votes will decide!

“These allegations are certain to made a lot of headlines, but with the election so close and the claims so extraordinary, I have to assume that this is simply a case of a heated election reaching a new low point” says political commentator Mauricio Bayon. “I found it easy to believe that Moss is a pervert but after hearing this new anonymous claim, I’m beginning to question even that. Until these so called sources start to identify themselves, I believe their comments should be restricted to the tabloids, and ignored by all respectable newspapers and blog-sites.”

According to noted animal rights activist, Randi Pritchard, "If these accusations are somehow proven to be true, it would be the first documented case of ‘coprophagia’ in the country since 2004." ‘Coprophagia’ is defined as the consumption of domestic pets as a food source.

Candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen got some laughs yesterday at a press conference when he responded to a reporter who asked about the new anonymous claims. “Chewy said he was Chewy, not Alf,” said Cohen, making reference to NBC’s beloved extra-terrestrial sitcom character who enjoyed eating cats.