Chewy Fires Campaign Manager

Amid maelstroms of recent trouble during a closely fought campaign, where every vote is precious, candidate Jason “Chewy” Cohen is starting to clean house. Reports that he has recently fired campaign manager Jason Pincus have been confirmed by Cohen himself.

“The election is right around the corner and lately I’ve been getting publicity for all the wrong reasons. The people need to get to know the real Jason “Chewy” Cohen so that they will make the right choice: the “Chewy” choice!”

Before entering into politics, Pincus was best known for hob-knobbing with Hollywood’s elite. He’s been credited with aiding the success of many stars, including actors Freddie Prince Jr. and Misha Barton, and also singers Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.

Cohen’s poll numbers plummeted after Jerry Falwell questioned his moral values, and the Rev. Al Sharpton questioned his judgment regarding racial issues. Cohen also faces the possiblity of a legal battle with George Lucas. No replacement for Pincus has yet been named.

The decision to fire Pincus comes at a curious time, as the former campaign manager was in the midst of a media blitz throughout the west coast. In fact, Pincus had been making serious in-roads with Hollywood A-Listers like Jay Leno and Pamela Anderson.

Pincus had also been making noise in the sports arena, with celebs Ronde Barber, John Elway and more. There's no telling where this leaves Chewy's campaign, and what impact it will have on the race.

"I've been around Hollywood for a long while," said Pincus. "I know a few candidates who need help. You never know when the other side will come calling, so I'm not hurting for a job."

Is it possible that Pincus could bat from both sides of the plate? Could it be true that he'll be a switch hitter and join Moss' team? Only time will tell, but Moss is no stranger to the Hollywood vote.

In fact, Moss was spotted on a recent campaign trip with Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst. "Spending this week with Moss was better than my fling with Britney Spears," said Durst. "That kid parties like a rock star, pumps iron like that Lou Ferrigno guy ... and have you seen that phat car he drives?"

When asked about Chewy's accusations regarding Moss' supposed lease, Durst added, "No friggin' way that dude leases that ride. He gets mad hoes."

Chewy Declares: "Moss's Mercedes is a Lease!"

With election day right around the corner, we should prepare ourselves for some serious mudslinging. Jason “Chewy” Cohen fired the first shot yesterday with his some comments concerning Moss’s personal finances.

“He can’t afford that car,” commented Chewy during a campaign rally in Pensacola, Florida. “You want to know why I’m here in the great state of Pensacola and he’s not?” continued Cohen to a laughing crowd, “It’s because he’s over the allotted miles on his leased Mercedes! It costs him money every time he drives the thing because he’s irresponsible with his miles. . . Is this really who people want to elect?”

We attempted to contact Prestige Motors in Boca Raton to confirm this accusation. Unfortunately our calls were not returned.

“If Chewy’s accusation is confirmed, it could have implications on June 13th” says political commentator Mauricio Bayon. “Some people would have a difficult time voting for a candidate who they don’t trust to balance the budget. If Moskowitz isn’t responsible enough to budget the miles on his automobile, why would voters trust him with bigger, more complex issues?”