Voters Must Have Courage To Take A Stand: By M. Bayon

The following commentary was submitted by esteemed political commentator Mao Bayon. Mr. Bayon has been published quarterly in The Economist, and is often featured in the Calle Hora, the Colombian equivalent of The Wall Street Journal.

With our country in the shape that it is in today, I feel the need to say a few words regarding the importance of this election. As a political commentator and a politically active American citizen, I have followed this election from the very beginning. I feel that, although so much is at stake here, voters are not willing to take their responsibilities seriously.

I could be completely wrong in my presumptions, but my gut tells me that I must speak out. I am constantly hearing naive voters make whiny, ignorant comments like “What are we voting for?” or “I don’t completely understand.” or my personal favorite “What are they running for?” Hearing comments like these makes my Latino blood boil. I just want to go ‘School Ties’ on their ass and, like Brandon Fraser, yell “COWARDS!!!!” on the top of my lungs.

This is the exact same attitude that allowed George W. Bush to run our country into the ground for eight straight years.

Bayon beleives these two people are cowards.

These voters are taking the ‘head in the sand’ approach and just assuming that everything will turn out alright.

Well that’s not how it works in the real world!!! It’s time for the voters to stop being ignorant and start getting involved. TAKE A STAND ON JUNE 13TH! But remember that a lot is at stake here and this is NOT a popularity contest.

Adios mis amigos.

Anonymous Source Declares "Chewy Eats Cats!"

A new source who refuses to identify himself is making shocking allegations to reporters concerning candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen. The man, who claims to live in the same building as Cohen, says that local cats have been disappearing ever since Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen’s arrival two years ago. The man says that it’s “common knowledge of people around the neighborhood” that Cohen has been catching these cats and eating them. The source even goes so far as to say that he himself has witnessed Cohen "cough up a hair-ball".

Chewy's loaf of bread, or a photoshop trick? The votes will decide!

“These allegations are certain to made a lot of headlines, but with the election so close and the claims so extraordinary, I have to assume that this is simply a case of a heated election reaching a new low point” says political commentator Mauricio Bayon. “I found it easy to believe that Moss is a pervert but after hearing this new anonymous claim, I’m beginning to question even that. Until these so called sources start to identify themselves, I believe their comments should be restricted to the tabloids, and ignored by all respectable newspapers and blog-sites.”

According to noted animal rights activist, Randi Pritchard, "If these accusations are somehow proven to be true, it would be the first documented case of ‘coprophagia’ in the country since 2004." ‘Coprophagia’ is defined as the consumption of domestic pets as a food source.

Candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen got some laughs yesterday at a press conference when he responded to a reporter who asked about the new anonymous claims. “Chewy said he was Chewy, not Alf,” said Cohen, making reference to NBC’s beloved extra-terrestrial sitcom character who enjoyed eating cats.

Anonymous Source Declares "Moss is a Pervert!"

A female source, who declined to identify herself, has contacted reporters concerning Moss, a candidate in the upcoming election. The unidentified woman claims that she met Moskowitz on the internet and went on two dates with him. She also cited countless phone conversations with the candidate. The woman describes Moskowitz as having behaved strangely during their brief acquaintanceship and says that he made her feel uncomfortable during their phone conversations.


“On the phone he kept asking me about my nail polish and the style of manicure which I usually prefer,” stated the woman “Then when we met he insisted that I tell him the name of the designer of the shoes which I was wearing. Our second date was uneventful, except that instead of trying to kiss me, he ACTUALLY asked me if I would shave his chest. After that I knew that it was time to ‘run for the hills.’”



A spokesman for Moskowitz would not comment on the unidentified woman except to state that he believed the entire story to be fabricated. In a close election such as this one, it’s easy to wonder what effect a story like this one, true or not, will have on voters.

Chewy Strikes Again With More Personal Attacks

As June 13th nears, tensions between the two candidates are geting hotter and hotter. During an interview on Tuesday a reporter asked candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen if he believed that Moss would ‘carry’ the state of Florida, as predicted by the polls. Cohen’s reply drew chuckles from his audeience: “With Moss’s bad back, I don’t believe that he should be carrying anything.”

This comment refers to the procedure that Moss underwent 13 months ago, specifically a lumbar spinal fusion. It also is a thinly veiled warning to voters that Moss may not, if elected, be up to the physical challenge.

Moss, prior to his surgery

"Chewy is obviously in terrific shape" sayspersonal trainer and fitness fanatic Danny Comer "a comment like this makes voters take notice of how much better Cohen's body is than that of Moss."

Chewy in More Hot Water

The bad publicity continues for candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen as a tape has emerged of him ridiculing abused children. Cohen was the keynote speaker at a ‘Kids in Distress’ event. The event raised over $50,000 for children in Florida who are victims of physical abuse and neglect.

You can watch the video below of a hyper-active Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen commenting on the event which he is about to emcee:

This certainly does not look good for Chewy, and Moskowitz wasted no time at jumping at the opportunity. “Although I was never physically abused, I myself was a ‘kid in distress’ for many, many years. I was fat with pimples and, until Craig Davis, nobody liked me.” Since the tape has emerged, Moss has also questioned Chewy’s integrity and his sense of compassion.

Chewy recently fired campaign manager Jason Pincus after a string a negative publicity. However, things do not seem to be improving for this candidate whose mouth appears to, at times, outrace his brain.