Red Bull Gives Chewy (and his campaign) Wings!

Like a man shot out of a cannon, Chewy has been hitting the campaign trail armed with energy and optimism which is no doubt contagious. Most candidates, including Moss, traditionally travel the country by airplane in order to hit the most densely populated cities in the least amount of time. Chewy has taken a different approach:

“My bus tour is rolling. As you know, I call it my ‘back of the bus’ tour. I’m not just going to big towns. I’m stopping in lots of towns. I’m coming to your town. Every town is important to Chewy,” commented candidate Jason Cohen, barely taking a breath or breaking his stride.

Moskowitz would be wise to take note of this self-proclaimed ‘hero to the people.’ For Chewy the battle is on to defend his tour, already under the gun by Reverend Al Sharpton and more. Moss’s private plane, on the other hand, is still idled on the runway.

How effective can this tour be? Watch for yourself as Chewy electrifies a Delray Beach crowd during one of his recent campaign rallies/charity events.

Oprah Throws Her Weight Behind Moss

On her much acclaimed Memorial Day show, Oprah Winfrey left no doubt as to which candidate she’ll be voting for on the June 13^th election.

As to why it will be Moskowitz that she’s supporting, Winfrey cited his charity work and the fact that she can empathize with the weight and body issues which Moss faced as a growing boy. “I find ‘Moss’ to be the candidate who is easier for me to relate to,” commented Oprah yesterday during a taped broadcast, “I look at that picture of the fat little white boy in the Boston Red Sox outfit, and all I can see is myself.”

Later in the program, Winfrey mentioned that another thing that she and Moskowitz have in common is bad hair.

Winfrey’s four million daily viewers give her considerable clout in the political arena. Her public support adds even more momentum to the Moskowitz campaign. As has become her custom, Winfrey avoided making any negative statements towards Jason “Chewy” Cohen, a candidate who seems to be drowning in a recent stream of negative publicity. While she refused to make any disparaging comments about Chewy, she did express some surprise at the candidate's surprising response to Al Sharpton's criticism.

Winfrey aired Chewy's videotaped comments in response to the leader's outspoken words regarding Chewy's Back of the Bus Tour. Chewy was unknowingly taped by a Moss supporter on her cell phone camera, and the video was sent to Winfrey's show. Here is the footage:



Chewy's camp has been dealt another questionable bout of negative PR, but he still remains hopeful for a victory on June 13th. Either way, Oprah's support will go a long way for Moss.

An Interview with Giovella Santino

Giovella Santino is widely heralded as the 'Wax Specialist of Hollywood'. Her famous client roster includes such starlets as Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Jenna Jameson, Keren Erdberg and Kelly Clarkson. Moss and Chewy have been her two sole male clients for almost a decade, so we thought her perspective on the election, the candidates and body hair in general would be compelling for our voters.


MossOrChewy: Giovella, how long have you known the candidates?

Giovella: Please, call me Gio.

MossOrChewy: Sorry, Gio ... when did you first meet Moss?

Giovella: Well, I've known Moss since he was in high school. He came to me when he was in tenth grade, when his hair looked like it housed a small family of birds. It was quite matted, and came to the middle of his back. He loved that hair, but after it started getting tangled in his back hair, he finally agreed to let someone cut it. From there, we started waxing most of his body.

Moss, as a hairy high-schooler

MossOrChewy: What do you mean, "most of his body"?

Giovella: Well, we tried the Brazilian wax once or twice, but he's a little tender down there. Frankly, he cried worse than Lindsey Lohan. Now we pretty much stick to his ritual of chest and arm waxing.

MossOrChewy: And when did you meet Chewy?

Giovella: Chewy was actually brought to me when he was a cub, er, I mean baby. Not a lot of people know this, but Chewy has a condition called Hypertrichosis. Most people know it as 'Werewolf Syndrome'. It's a very rare genetic condition that only one out of 10 billion people have. So even as a baby, he had excessive hair growth over both the body and face.

MossOrChewy: Wow, we had no idea! I mean, we know he was always hairy, but that's news to us!

Giovella: He talks freely about it if you ask. But anyway, we started on a very experimental wax when he was around nine or ten. And it has worked great! His arms and chest only need waxing once per month. He then gets a full-body wax once per year. And I mean FULL-BODY. From his anus to his eyelids, everything gets waxed.

MossOrChewy: So, basically they each have their monthly chest and arm waxes in your office?

Giovella: Exactly.

MossOrChewy: And what products do you typically use?

Giovella: Well, Moss prefers a lot of fragrance with his wax. But when he is home maintaining, he loves the feminine products like Epilady and Nair.

MossOrChewy: And Chewy?

Giovella: Chewy's products are extremely experimental and volatile. I don't even want to mention the names, because people can get hurt. He uses the kind of stuff that can melt paint off a car.

MossOrChewy: Well, thanks for your time ... we know you have a lot of hair to remove. But before you go, can you tell us which candidate you're supporting?

Giovella: I still haven't decided. It's an important decision that I'm not taking lightly. But, I will tell you that my pillow doesn't have feathers in it ... it has the remains of Chewy's hair since he was a wolf cub. I love ridiculously hairy men ... they are so sexy. It allows me to act like the Picasso I want to be. That might tell you where I'm leaning.

MossOrChewy: Wow, so does it make you feel badly that Chewy sometimes denies his hair treatment in public? (see video below)



Giovella: No, not at all. I know his werewolfness is embarassing sometimes. But, I know the sexy truth.

MossOrChewy: Ok, well thank you so much from taking time out of your day. We know your schedule gets kind of hairy. And don't forget to vote on June 13th!

Giovella: Don't worry, I shaved the date into my pubes so I wouldn't forget.

MossOrChewy: That's probably more info than we needed, but thanks for the mental picture.

The Abortion Issue: A Private Investigation

It seems that we have finally found one thing both candidates have in common. Moss and Chewy have both been extremely effective at avoiding taking a stand on abortion. Some commentators believe that they have been politically irresponsible by completely ‘skirting’ this issue.


To be better informed voters, we hired private investigator Sam Rodriguez, an experienced and tenacious reporter whose recent exposes include ‘Trans-Fats In Our Foods’ and ‘The Hidden Life of Jeffrey Lefkowitz.’

To find out how each candidate truly feels about abortion, Rodriguez decided to question former girlfriends of Moss and Chewy. How did the investigation go? Unfortunately, not very well.

“I was given a list of ex-girlfriends for both Moskowitz and Cohen, including a girl named Allison who apparently dated them both” described Rodriguez of his search, “On every single name my search came up empty. I can tell you with 100% certainty that every one of these girls either A) changed her identity or B)never actually existed.”

We were disappointed by the results of this search and pressed Rodriguez to give us any bit of information which he uncovered: “I didn’t learn much but I can tell you this," stated Rodriguez " The parents of both candidates are strongly for abortion.”

Moss Campaign Merrily Rolls On

With each passing day, the Moss or Chewy campaign brings more amazing twists and turns. As Chewy has recently been blasted in the press by Al Sharpton, Jerry Falwell and George Lucas, Moss has his campaign on a roll.

After a short campaign swing in Delray, a city in which Chewy owns more than 80% of the votes, Moss spent Thursday afternoon in South Beach. “The gay community has been a huge support in my life, just like my jockstrap,” said Moss while campaigning at Score, a legendary gay hotspot on Lincoln Road. “It’s important to get out and touch the people, and that’s what I’m doing,” added Moss.

Moss scored big with the Score crowd, as he moved the jubilant tranny party to the Raleigh hotel, for some extracurricular sunbathing (see photo). “I’m proud of my manhood, and these guys are too,” added Moss. Basically, we’re all just proud to be Americans.”

Moss stroking the gay vote in South Beach

The next stop for Moss is rumored to be Cancun, Mexico, where he will flip sides and try to corral the underage spring break vote.