An Interview with the Candidates

While on a recent campaign swing through Los Angeles, our beat reporter, Donnie Grossman, was able to interview both candidates. Here is the transcript:

Donnie: Wow, thank you both for this rare opportunity. How do you each feel the campaign is going so far?

Moss: Well, I’m confident, but not cocky. Although, I am cock diesel! In case you don’t know … that means you better bring tape, because I’m ripped under this shirt.

Chewy: Chewy knows the campaign is going well, that’s because Chewy knows he’s going to win like 80% of the vote, and Chewy always wins everything, because Chewy is all things Chewy.

Donnie: Wait, Chewy … you are Chewy.

Chewy: Yeah, Chewy knows that.

Donnie: But why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

Chewy: Chewy is as Chewy does.

Chewy preparing for our interview by drinking Red Bull

Donnie: So, Chewy ... if there were 100 votes, and you won 80% of them, how many votes would you have.

Chewy: That's easy ... Chewy would have 75 votes.

Donnie: Uh, ok. Why haven’t we seen you two in an official debate?

Chewy: Chewy doesn’t need to masterdebate. Chewy gets chicks left and right. Don’t you know Chewy is the mayor of Delray? Chewy doesn’t need to masterdebate.

Moss: If the fans want a debate, I’m open for it. It’s no mystery that I can masterdebate better than anyone. I’d kick Chewy’s ass in a masterdebate like back pain kicks my ass.

Donnie: OK, since we’re not having a debate anytime soon, I have some questions . Moss, let’s say you go to a party, get drunk, and puke all over the floor. What is the socially acceptable follow up behavior?

Moss: That’s easy … You make Chewy lick it up.

Chewy: Very funny. Chewy only licks up his own puke.

Donnie: Chewy, this one is for you: If your life story could be told in rap form, how would it go?

Chewy: (In his best Eminem speed rap) His name is Chewy and he’s the best because he don’t take a rest. He’s the mayor of this town and he won’t go down. Chewy may not be smart but he’s smarter than Moss because Moss is a dummy.

Moss: What? That’s the worst rap I’ve ever heard. Mine would be too explicit for this interview. There would be naked chicks dancing everywhere in my video, and they’d all have chests that look Flat-T like a 12-year old boy. And Henry Rollins would be screaming in the background the whole time. And he'd be SHREDDED!

Donnie: Chewy, what was the most socially relevant 80s glam rock band, and how did they affect your childhood psychological development?

Chewy: What does relevant mean?

Donnie: Forget it. Moss, same question.

Moss: Without a doubt, Poison has been the most socially relevant band of our time. Think Wyld Stallions in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure … they have changed the world. That’s why I sing Every Rose Has Its Thorn everywhere I go, and that’s why I’ve seen them in concert more than 160 times.

Donnie: Is that why you grew your hair down to your ass in high school?

Moss: Absolutely. Bret Michaels is a god amongst men, and if he were here right now, I’d drool like Chewy at a Star Wars convention. And if he were here, he’d buy tickets to the show.

Donnie: What show?

Moss: THE GUN SHOW, BABY!

Moss showing his young guns in 11th Grade

Donnie: Yeah, nice guns. OK, last question for each of you. Tell the voters something about you that nobody would know. Chewy, you first …

Chewy: Chewy was once body slammed over a ledge at a bar, and he landed in a lake.

Donnie: OK, but that’s not quite what I was thinking. Moss, how about you?

Moss: If there’s grass on the field … I play ball.

Donnie: That’s just gross. Thank you both for your time.

Pincus and Moss Rule J-Date!!!

It’s official, Jason Pincus, former campaign manager of Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen, has switched camps. It has been confirmed that the photo seen below was taken in Cancun, Mexico over Memorial Day weekend during a planned event for Jewish singles.

What were these two doing together you ask?? Well, apparently they were ‘ruling J-Date’ together. And with the June 13th election so close we must also assume that they squeezed in some time to campaign for votes from unmarried Jews residing all over the country.

The news of the switch was confirmed yesterday by Pincus himself: “My experience places Moskowitz in an advantageous position,” said Pincus “This is because I know all of Chewy’s weaknesses . . . unfortunately for Chewy I have yet to find any of his strenghths.”. . . . OUCH!!!

This barb from Pincus will no doubt send shock waves thru the Chewy camp which, from the beginning, was depending on Pincus for campaign leadership and celebrity endorsements.Pincus was fired by Jason 'Chewy' Cohen two weeks ago after a string of negative publicity plummeted Cohen's numbers in the polls.

Voters Must Have Courage To Take A Stand: By M. Bayon

The following commentary was submitted by esteemed political commentator Mao Bayon. Mr. Bayon has been published quarterly in The Economist, and is often featured in the Calle Hora, the Colombian equivalent of The Wall Street Journal.

With our country in the shape that it is in today, I feel the need to say a few words regarding the importance of this election. As a political commentator and a politically active American citizen, I have followed this election from the very beginning. I feel that, although so much is at stake here, voters are not willing to take their responsibilities seriously.

I could be completely wrong in my presumptions, but my gut tells me that I must speak out. I am constantly hearing naive voters make whiny, ignorant comments like “What are we voting for?” or “I don’t completely understand.” or my personal favorite “What are they running for?” Hearing comments like these makes my Latino blood boil. I just want to go ‘School Ties’ on their ass and, like Brandon Fraser, yell “COWARDS!!!!” on the top of my lungs.

This is the exact same attitude that allowed George W. Bush to run our country into the ground for eight straight years.

Bayon beleives these two people are cowards.

These voters are taking the ‘head in the sand’ approach and just assuming that everything will turn out alright.

Well that’s not how it works in the real world!!! It’s time for the voters to stop being ignorant and start getting involved. TAKE A STAND ON JUNE 13TH! But remember that a lot is at stake here and this is NOT a popularity contest.

Adios mis amigos.