We Have A Winner!!!

Finally, after a tough election, we have a winner.

With 100% of the precincts reporting, the winner is:

MOSS!

Moss took 43 of 83 votes, winning just under 52% of the votes.

Chewy took home 40 votes, for just over 48%.

When reached after the election, Moss suggested that his last minute publicity pushed him over the edge. "That picture of me at the polls made the difference," explained Moss. "I'm so ripped in that photo, that I practically owned the women's vote."

Chewy didn't take the defeat lightly. "Chewy was robbed," complained the hairy candidate. "The polls closed early. They closed at midnight, and because of the two hour time difference in Delray, some of Chewy's voters were shut out! Chewy supporters party hard in Delray, so the polls should have been open until at least 4am!"

When asked about the controversy, Moss shrugged it off. "Like President Bush himself, I'm proud of my victory. I welcome another election ... but that's for another year. Right now, I'm going to dress like a tranny and enjoy this one."

Best of luck, Moss. You earned it!

It's Voting Time!!!

The candidates have spoken, the pundits have made their cases. It is finally time to vote. Do not forget to post your comments after you vote!

Sorry, only one vote per household every 24 hours ... this election is more high-tech than the State of Florida!

Decision 2007 ... A Look Back

The big moment when we cast our votes is only hours away. It seems like an eternity ago that Moss and Chewy announced their respective candidacies, and oh what a long, strange trip its been. Let’s take a look back at this great campaign.

Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen gave America hope with his ‘Back of the Bus’ speech. After grabbing the country’s attention, Chewy began a campaign which was filled with energy, yet destined to be mired in controversy. He alienated African-Americans, offended the religious right, and went out of his way to insult abused children. Yet despite all of his failures, Cohen was able to impassion his own supporters to a near feverish level. Love him or hate him, Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen always made an impression.

Moss, the other candidate ran a much quieter campaign. His campaign lacked the high highs or the low lows of ‘Chewy’ Cohen’s, and attempted to highlight the candidate’s life experience and prior personal success. He was plagued by his own weight issues and questions about his physical health. In addition to this, his Mercedes Benz and his lush property in Boca Raton may have alienated the proletariat. Yet through it all, his competence has rarely been called into question.

So there you have it. . . campaign 2007.

Will Chewy’s inspired and passionate supporters go out to the polling centers and clamor for change?
Or will slow and steady win the race as voters cast their vote for Moskowitz and the status quo?

All that's left for us to do is to cast our votes, so be sure to come back to this site to vote anytime on Wednesday.

Chewy's Big Moment: Genius or Madness?

In the history of American politics, a few speeches stand out above the rest. Recently, candidate Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen captured the country’s imagination with a speech that he made early during this campaign. Although it was given in an unconventional setting (specifically the rear cargo area of an S.U.V.), Cohen’s “Back of the Bus” speech has been placed in the same category as John F Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you” speech and F.D.R.’s “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The speech was able to inspire millions and catapulted Cohen onto the national scene. Whether or not it will stand the test of time remains to be seen. However, the fact that Chewy’s “Back of the Bus” speech is a work of oratorical brilliance can not be argued . . . . OR CAN IT??

.

One voter says that she ‘simply doesn’t get it.’ The woman’s name is Jaime Comer and she says that not only does the speech fail to inspire her, but it actually frightens her.

“First he’s yelling about his magical tongue and sticking his tongue out to the camera.” comments Comer. “Then he begins to repeat himself over and over again with rapid-fire speed. I’ve never really been sure what he is even talking about. I mean, I don’t actually see a bus anywhere! Meanwhile, it’s the middle of the day and he’s acting drunk. And let us not forget that he’s wearing Mardis Gras beads and he’s clearly not in New Orleans. I know that millions of Americans were moved by the speech, but I simply don’t understand why. In my personal opinion, he seems to be acting like a madman. I mean, am I wrong? Am I the crazy one here?” . . . Most voters, even supporters of Moss, after witnessing such a powerful speech would say ‘Yes Jaime, you are the crazy one.’

But Comer’s non-sensible commentary does help to illustrate one point: As June 13th rapidly approaches Jason ‘Chewy’ Cohen is becoming more and more of a polarizing figure. This woman’s view helps prove that even in his greatest of moments, Cohen has some retractors.

An Interview with the Candidates

While on a recent campaign swing through Los Angeles, our beat reporter, Donnie Grossman, was able to interview both candidates. Here is the transcript:

Donnie: Wow, thank you both for this rare opportunity. How do you each feel the campaign is going so far?

Moss: Well, I’m confident, but not cocky. Although, I am cock diesel! In case you don’t know … that means you better bring tape, because I’m ripped under this shirt.

Chewy: Chewy knows the campaign is going well, that’s because Chewy knows he’s going to win like 80% of the vote, and Chewy always wins everything, because Chewy is all things Chewy.

Donnie: Wait, Chewy … you are Chewy.

Chewy: Yeah, Chewy knows that.

Donnie: But why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

Chewy: Chewy is as Chewy does.

Chewy preparing for our interview by drinking Red Bull

Donnie: So, Chewy ... if there were 100 votes, and you won 80% of them, how many votes would you have.

Chewy: That's easy ... Chewy would have 75 votes.

Donnie: Uh, ok. Why haven’t we seen you two in an official debate?

Chewy: Chewy doesn’t need to masterdebate. Chewy gets chicks left and right. Don’t you know Chewy is the mayor of Delray? Chewy doesn’t need to masterdebate.

Moss: If the fans want a debate, I’m open for it. It’s no mystery that I can masterdebate better than anyone. I’d kick Chewy’s ass in a masterdebate like back pain kicks my ass.

Donnie: OK, since we’re not having a debate anytime soon, I have some questions . Moss, let’s say you go to a party, get drunk, and puke all over the floor. What is the socially acceptable follow up behavior?

Moss: That’s easy … You make Chewy lick it up.

Chewy: Very funny. Chewy only licks up his own puke.

Donnie: Chewy, this one is for you: If your life story could be told in rap form, how would it go?

Chewy: (In his best Eminem speed rap) His name is Chewy and he’s the best because he don’t take a rest. He’s the mayor of this town and he won’t go down. Chewy may not be smart but he’s smarter than Moss because Moss is a dummy.

Moss: What? That’s the worst rap I’ve ever heard. Mine would be too explicit for this interview. There would be naked chicks dancing everywhere in my video, and they’d all have chests that look Flat-T like a 12-year old boy. And Henry Rollins would be screaming in the background the whole time. And he'd be SHREDDED!

Donnie: Chewy, what was the most socially relevant 80s glam rock band, and how did they affect your childhood psychological development?

Chewy: What does relevant mean?

Donnie: Forget it. Moss, same question.

Moss: Without a doubt, Poison has been the most socially relevant band of our time. Think Wyld Stallions in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure … they have changed the world. That’s why I sing Every Rose Has Its Thorn everywhere I go, and that’s why I’ve seen them in concert more than 160 times.

Donnie: Is that why you grew your hair down to your ass in high school?

Moss: Absolutely. Bret Michaels is a god amongst men, and if he were here right now, I’d drool like Chewy at a Star Wars convention. And if he were here, he’d buy tickets to the show.

Donnie: What show?

Moss: THE GUN SHOW, BABY!

Moss showing his young guns in 11th Grade

Donnie: Yeah, nice guns. OK, last question for each of you. Tell the voters something about you that nobody would know. Chewy, you first …

Chewy: Chewy was once body slammed over a ledge at a bar, and he landed in a lake.

Donnie: OK, but that’s not quite what I was thinking. Moss, how about you?

Moss: If there’s grass on the field … I play ball.

Donnie: That’s just gross. Thank you both for your time.